My Thoughts on Relationships -- for what it's worth

Last week, my daughter asked me for advice concerning relationships. She had begun to feel issues in hers and I think she wanted to be assured that her feelings were acceptable, fair, reasonable, and practical. Her particular question dealt with trust and loyalty. So I gave her my advice and yes, I prefaced it with “You know I’m not very successful in this particular subject…but I can offer you my own feelings about the situation.” Sorry; I’m not going to post her questions or the advice I gave her.

But the whole conversation did get me thinking about her questions. So I thought about my own past and present experiences and relationships -- Friendships… Intimate Relationships… Associations… Acquaintances..... Family, etc.

And that is the beginning of my post to her.....
My thoughts on Relationship---for what it’s worth.

First of all, we can lookup definitions of different types of Relationships – then step back ---and evaluate whether you’re in the type/category you want to be. For instance, let’s take the definition of Acquaintance: Knowledge of a person acquired by a relationship less intimate than friendship. An Acquaintance is a person with whom one knows. Well, this definition probably wasn’t applicable to my daughter’s questions. So we'll move on.

So maybe an Association: the state of being associated; companionship; fellowship; the act of affiliation. So if you don’t necessarily need the friendship or partnership but you’re definitely in a physically intimate relationship, then you might be in exactly the category you want to be in. Another example could be a roommate who’s an Association simply to share expenses. Or maybe your Association is a convenience and a temporary arrangement....."then my dear, you simply have an Association."

But if you're looking for someone to share your life with, I would think you're looking for a Partner relationship. So let's Google “Partner” and view the Wikipedia definition, two keywords seem to define Partner

-Friend
-Intimate Relationship

So if we Google Intimate Relationship, we see the keywords…. love, romantic, belongingness, marriage, attachment, friendship, trust, physical intimacy; emotional intimacy, confidants (a close associate to whom secrets are confided or with whom private matters and problems are discussed).

In an Intimate Relationship, the feeling is a degree of comfort, effectiveness and mutual experience of closeness which might indicate emotional intimacy between individuals. Intimacy might involve disclosing thoughts, feelings, and emotions in order to reach an understanding or offer mutual support.



And if we Goggle Friendship, what do we find? Friendship is HUGE! So I'll let you look up the definition. But I'll post some of the keywords we see -- honesty, affection, understanding, trust, loyalty…..and much of the same verbage for the definition of Intimate Relationship minus the “Intimacies”. But wait! Look at the definition of Partner, again. If you have a Friendship and an Intimate Relationship, you would be in a Partnership. If you don't, you better review the other Relationships again 'cause you might not have the makings of a lifetime category.

We all know how a brother, sister, father, mother are categorized – Family. Most Intimate Relationships (I hope) aren’t amongst family members but a Partner in your Intimate Relationship will/or should probably know about your children, siblings, parents, friendships, relationships, etc. Isn’t that the way it is in most Intimate Relationships? But what do I know?

In any Relationships, either party can say they love you but you have to evaluate (with your mind and not your heart) to what degree that love exists. Are both of you involved in the same way?

So darling daughter, what category do you fall in? And are all of the characteristics you NEED and WANT in that category? Will that category satisfy you for a lifetime? You get to decide what is important to you and yours. It may be right for you or it may be wrong. But I can guarantee you, you’ll definitely learn from it.

T I S H I E

Tisha is my second daughter. After my first child birth experience, I almost didn’t have any more kids. But I was sure I was meant to have a son so I read up on epidurals and got brave enough for the challenge.

Well, the delivery stats improved from 14 hours (with Shalyse) to 4 hours (for Tisha). And there she was, my little Eskimo baby. She was so dark, her black hair, her red skin, her shiny eyes, her long eyelashes, her chubby cheeks, and her little green tattoo mark above her bum-cheeks. Tisha was constantly sick with colds and ear infections so she didn’t talk very well until close to school age. But she had great, expressive eyes and a wonderful smile – and she had no problem communicating what needed to be known.

Tisha and Shalyse were complete opposites. Where Shalyse wore dresses and barrettes--Tisha wore hoodies and baseball caps. Where Shalyse was pink, red, and yellow--Tisha was blue, burgundy, and khaki. Where Shalyse loved to perform--Tisha was smiling in the audience and proudly watching. Where Shalyse loved dolls--Tisha preferred Ninja Turtles. When Shalyse constantly danced and recited poetry--Tisha played basketball and scratched on her vinyl record albums. When Shalyse shopped in malls--Tisha was shooting deer in the mountains. Shalyse’s first vehicle was a Ford Escort--Tisha’s was a Jeep Cherokee.

This past week Tayshaun and I have been watching videos of the girls growing up. Yes having me as a mother, Tisha HAD to experience ruffly socks, plenty of dresses, earrings/jewelry, and hairspray. Tayshaun just cannot fathom who that pigtailed skinny little girl in the fluorescent jumper is. When Tish turned five, she pretty much told me it was time to shop at the Gap for khakis, jeans, and baseball caps. This is when I realized that she had her own thoughts, likes, dislikes, and preferences – and they were different than my own.

When Tishie turned two, she was no longer the baby (even though she really was). We hurried and potty-trained her and took away her bottle in preparation for the newest arrival, Madison. In the videos, it was obvious that Tisha loved her new sister. She was so playful with her and was always talking to her (well it sounded more like jibberish). She never really seemed jealous of Madison – except maybe during videotaping. Poor thing……in a majority of the footage, someone’s always saying to Tisha in the background, “SHHHH – we’re filming the baby” or “Tishie get out of the picture”. In several of the shots, she’s putting her face or waving her hand in front of the video camera like saying, “remember me too, hey point the camera on me!”. And then there’s my favorite footage where I’m asking Madison questions and in the background you can hear Tisha’s laughter as she’s stuffing her mouth with graham crackers. When suddenly, Tisha gets up and tip-toes behind Madison so as not to disturb the recording ‘cause she’s already been warned that we’re filming Madison. She just quietly prances behind Madison knowing full well that she’s going to be in the film with wet graham crackers dripping down her face. Little goofy!

Of course, there’s lots of Tisha coverage. It just seemed like we were always hushing her up. And all Tisha was trying to do was be Madison’s big sister by answering questions for her; be Madison’s sidekick by helping her be funny in the camera; be Madison’s friend by wanting to be part of the fun. This little baby didn’t get to be (the baby) for very long. “Sorry Tisha that we didn’t realize that when you were two years old.”

Here you go....we let you in the picture with (the baby) now. See.

Now Tisha is becoming an adult. She’s experiencing responsibility, career choices, love, credit card bills, vacations, etc. I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, fully expecting her to respond with “a snowboard”, “goggles”, “a parka”, “some clothes”….but no, she asked for a vacuum. Hehehehehehehe! Nope she’s not a baby anymore.

Tisha is the most quiet, even-tempered, and most consistent of my kids. I never know what she’s thinking. She’s always there for me helping out where she can. She’s a care-giver. A couple of years ago, I called her late in the evening bawling my eyes out after one of my shihtzus got hit by a car. I called her asking her to find an address to a veterinarian hospital. Instead, she was instantly at my house assuring me that Brody was going to be fine, pacifying Tayshaun who was concerned that Brody couldn’t move and that mommie was crying like a baby, soothing poor Brody who was confused and bruised from his accident. She was a rock for me that night. She’s always there helping with the yard, repairing household items, checking out ticks or rattles in my vehicles….all the things I hate dealing with. She was especially a life-saver when I went back to work. Tayshaun was a little over a year old. I’d never had to leave my babies with strangers to go back to work. I was sick about it. So she quit her job and nannied Tayshaun and my shihtzus who were also babies at the time. I really appreciate her support for that.

Congratulations, Tishie, you survived Yvette too. "Sorry, you’re stuck with me!"

I LOVE YOU! HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Love your mom

How To Avoid A Speeding Ticket

The obvious solution to avoiding a speeding ticket? Don't speed Or have a 4-year old in your back seat rattling off question-after-question....poor Sergeant Clark.

It's three years past my 2-year norm for trading in my vehicle. So last month I decided Tayshaun was old enough for mommie to bring home a new vehicle. Of course there's rules now. Absolutely no eating in the car. Anyways so now I'm driving a vehicle with a little turbo boost. Hmmmm...that good ole Turbo Boost!

A couple of weeks ago, we're driving home from the daycare. About a half a mile from home, I yielded at a red light and proceeded to make a right hand turn. Tayshaun and I were singing with Chris Brown on the top of our lungs, "hey she wants that lovey dovey, lovey dovey, kiss kiss, kiss kiss" and all of a sudden there's these red spiral lights flashing behind me. Of course, I noticed them first but then Tayshaun did too and asked, "Mom, what 's those lights?" I'm hoping that the patrol car behind me is trying to get my attention so he can speed around me to an emergency or to get home quickly (I think they do that sometimes when they're late for supper). So I pulled towards the curb but, dang it, the officer was following me. It must be the red car syndrome. Aren't there statistics that red vehicles get pulled over more? I've only had this bugger for a month. Dang it and I'm already getting a ticket with Tayshaun as my witness.

So I tell Tayshaun, "That's a policeman behind me. I guess he wants to talk to us." Immediately he replies, "Are we going to jail, Mom?" "No, Tayshaun, let's just see what he wants, k?" I guess I must have been going a little fast. Frankly, I never looked at my speedometer even when I noticed the flashing lights. Blame it on the turbo boost!!! Seriously when I accelerate, the vehicle is flash lightning for a second til I realize I better lay off the pedal and get back into conservative drive mode.

Guess that turbo boost just gives me flashbacks to the good ole NASCAR days. Geez the RUSH...as I was flying around those track corners, driving with the pedal to the metal, speeding one foot from the wall, accelerating for 330 laps, catching my breath in the pit stops as the crew switched my chewed up tires.... I was just approaching the backstretch and so close to the green and white checkered finish....and then Sergeant Clark brought me back to the real world.

For a second, I wondered if this street-vehicle could muster up some NASCAR moves and outrun those red lights behind me but then I thought better.....afterall, Tayshaun was in the backseat.

So I pulled over and turned down the radio and started looking for my paperwork, in the glove compartment. And I'm thinking, ok, should I try to talk myself out of this? Can I think of a quick excuse? No, Tayshaun will tell on me if I lie. Then I thought about bringing out these old NASCAR photos but decided that I'm really enjoying the anonymity of being just Tayshaun's mom. So.....Ok.Ok.Ok. Guilty as charged. I'm going to take my punishment. All the while, Tayshaun's shooting off questions, "Mom, why does the policeman want to talk to us? Are we in trouble? Are we going for a ride in the police car?" "No", I said, "I think Mommie might have been going a little fast."

So Sergeant Clark approached my car and asked for my registration. Tayshaun's in the background asking question after question. I'm still thinking I should have tried to outrun this sucker. But I put a smile on my face and rummaged through the new paperwork, I haven't organized yet, and Sergeant Clark points to the registration I must have fat fingered a couple times looking through that envelope. I handed it over to him. He looked over my paperwork briefly and asked me if I knew why he pulled me over. Before I got a chance to answer, Tayshaun pipes out, "Was my Mom driving speedy?". But Sergeant Clark ignored the comment, I kinda giggle and asked, "Was I driving a little fast?". And he says, "Don't you know how fast you were driving?" And I replied, "Well, I guess I didn't really look - I still haven't even read the manual for this vehicle yet. Not sure how to unlock all the doors yet - unless I use the remote." And Tayshaun is blabbering about, "Yah, that window on the roof was almost open when we went through the car wash the odder day and we almost didn't close it. That woulda been fun, huh Mom, going through the car wash with the window open?"

So Sergeant Clark tells me I was going 57 in a 40 mph zone. But I guess Sergent Clark really was late getting home 'cause he told me he wasn't going to give me a ticket. And Tayshaun's reply was "On man, hey, I wanted a ticket!" But the Sergeant again ignored Tayshaun and tells me he's giving me a warning and to please slow down. Of course, I agreed andwas so very happy because I usually have to give out my autograph to avoid a speeding ticket. PHEW!

After we drove off I asked Tayshaun why he wanted me to have a ticket and he said, "Cause I never seen a ticket before." Geez Louise - where's the loyalty? Maybe Sergeant Clark felt sorry for me having Dennis the Menace in my ear asking so many questions! Then Tayshaun said, "Mom, I thought he was gonna put handcuffs on us. And if he did, I woulda found a little pin and put it in the hole and got those handcuffs off of us, Mom. Yah, that woulda been cool if that policeman woulda put handcuffs on us." Well, I guess my son isn't very scared of policemen. I've got work to do!

And for those of you who didn't know I used to be a race car girl. Well you're in the same boat as the other people who didn't know that I used to be a Roller Derby girl too. But those were my past lives. Just kiddin!!! The rest of the story is absolutely true....I think my son talked our way out of this speeding ticket. Thanks Tayshaun!

A Snowy Surprise

Woke up Monday morning to snow. It was slow getting out of the house. I've been glued to Edgar Sawtelle (a novel) so it took longer to dry my hair while I was reading. Anyways, I looked outside before leaving and noticed that it had snowed. Dang! Will summer ever get here? Even Tayshaun asks me weekly, "Mom is summer going to be next week?". He's still trying to figure out between next week, tomorrow, a year from now, Tuesday, etc. So I tell him, "Summer is shortly after Easter which is after Tisha's birthday but before 4th of July." So anyways, maybe that's not a good way to explain time periods but that's how I do it. I'm rambling now. K back to why I'm posting.

Ok so we're in the garage and I open the vehicle door to help Tayshaun into the car and Tayshaun says, "Mom, look someone left us hearts in the snow!" I'm thinking candy hearts? Maybe snow angels in the snow? What the heck?

But sure enough....hope you can see this in the pics......apparently my neighbor doesn't know he's a talented back-up driver - he/she made two sweet hearts in our driveway. Sorry for Tayshaun footprints, he wanted to take a picture by the hearts but then he covered the heart snow imprints by standing in the pic.

So you get a self-portrait we took after the heart pic. I was an hour late for work that morning! I'll do anything to stall to go to work. OK!