I rarely watch television. So I'm mostly out of the loop when people talk about actors unless they're on the big screen. It's very similar for me with the world/local news. I hear snippets of events and pay attention to only those that are of interest to me.
In the past several months, I've heard about the concern for teenager suicide in the gay community. And in the past few years, I heard about reports of gay children being bullied in the school system. I've listened but haven't got into the detail much…not because the subject is about gay/lesbian but because I know that society can be cruel. Sometimes ignorance is bliss for coping.
However, last night I was online shopping and decided to put on the telly for some background noise (Tayshaun was asleep) so I switched on my Oprah recordings.
Can I just saw I'm in love with Ricky Martin? So yummy! The look, the personality, the charisma. Then I listened to Marie Osmond talk about her son's suicide. And I later watched the Portia DeGeneress special about her new book on her eating disorder. Eventually it occurred to me that Oprah was/is focusing on the gay community in her current weeks broadcasts.
In both Ricky and Portia's specials, they talked bout wanting/needing acceptance from their parents. So this got me thinking about my ignorance and my inadequate communication skills I have with my girls, sometimes.
Six years ago when Tisha came out, obviously, "I heard" about how she was feeling but I never heard it from her. Back in the day, Madison was the eyes and ears that kept me informed about certain things. So I learned that Tisha was experimenting with religion. When that seemed to fizzle out in her life, the "secret" came out. The funny thing is….I knew about "the secret" before TIsha did. In fact, I'd had suspicion of "that secret" since she was about 4 years old. I remember talking to my mom about it back then. So before Tisha came out, I kept her secret to myself because she wasn't ready to accept just yet. In my heart, I felt that she was struggling with her identity and struggling for acceptance. I'm glad to say that I think she has finally found both
Anyways back to when Tisha came out.....eventually the cat was let out of the bag. And Madison, who apparently thought she was sly, started to ask me questions about Tisha..."So Mom, how do you feel about Tisha coming out?" As Madison asked me questions, my innerself started to wonder, again, if Madison was also keeping "a secret". You see I had my suspicions when Madison was about 10 years old but then she threw a wrench in the works and she almost tricked me. Because when she entered junior high, I began to see changes in her appearance and in her wardrobe. So then I was confused.
So when Madison was asking me questions about how I felt about Tisha's honesty, I told her how I felt. "I love Tisha and will always love her. I don't care either way. My concern is she is going to have a struggle because life is going to be more difficult for her. Society can be cruel." Madison seemed to accept my comment but responded, prompty, "I could never do that. I could never be that way." That conversation made me feel like she was trying to convince me of something. So again, I had a talk with my mom but this time about Madison.
Not long afterwards, I found myself at my first Gay Pride Parade. And as I'm walking behind Madison and towards the parade line, I noticed Madison's new tattoo. I'm like…"Madz, when the hell did you get a tattoo?" It was VERY obvious Madison didn't want me to see this tattoo but I had already noticed the rainbow. And I have to admit, I was a little bit shocked that it was permanently placed on her neck. Before I had time to comment much though, she told me that she was just supporting Tisha.
I'm not sure Madison when you saw STUPID written on my forehead but did you really think you were convincing? You knucklehead.
So later, I asked Shalyse because obviously I'd lost communication, somewhere. And basically Shalyse's response was "don't ask me, ask her"……but I thought I had asked Madison and I obviously didn't get an honest answer. Or maybe I didn't ask the right questions. I don't know???
I obviously fail to communicate and/or listen when the topic is stressful or emotional. I guess my girls take after me a little, in that way. I know that "the secrets" are now out in the open but I thought it might be appropriate to leave a message on my blog anyway….…
The message is….."it just really doesn't matter". Maybe I didn't need to say anymore than that back then when Madison asked me how I felt about Tisha coming out. "I love all of you girls no matter what." All I want for my family is for all to be healthy and happy….if it were only a perfect world.
So girls, you may not have ever known this, but I'm just saying….I've suspected through most of your lives - and I've always loved you regardless - even as I was watching "the secrets" making themselves known to you. :-)
