Interviews to Donate One of my Kidneys To My Daughter

Two years ago this month, I was being interviewed to see if i'd be an acceptable candidate for donating one of my kidneys to my daughter.  Here's a summary of some of the conversations i had with the rhuemotologist, dietician, surgeon, and others.  I'll foolish when i'm nervous. :)

Rated PG-18 for:

I wrote SPERM, GOD DAMN IT, BREASTESIS, NIPS, BIRTH CONTROL, GOD

Sorry Shalyse.  You know this is what I do when I'm nervous...

Tidbids from the meeting with the Rheumotologist:

Him: so it says here that your first urinalysis was contaminated so we'll have you take another test, today.

Me thinking: (Didn't I just do that 24-hr collection, last week?  i  know that collection had to be spermless. That is what contaminated means, isn't it?)  

Me: ummmm, are you talking about the 24-hr collection I did last week?

Him: no, the urinalysis where you peed in a cup. I know it's a little difficult but you're supposed to pee a little before peeing in the cup otherwise it's considered contaminated.

Me: oh, I did my FIRST one today and I followed the directions.

Him: well, it says here that you had a urinalysis before today. Your name is Yvette Tramel, right?

Me: yeaaaaaa, (thinking, thinking, thinking) but that must have been some other Yvette Tramel. I haven't peed in a cup before, today.

Him: (*smile*) ok.  What prescription and over the counter medications are you taking?

Me: uuummmm.....i'd have to say birth control, only.

Him: Do you have any conditions that you're being treated for?

Me: no....oh yea, well they told me a couple of months ago that I have glaucoma?

Him: So do you have a prescription to treat that?

Me: yea, eyedrops.

Him: what's the name of the eyedrops?

Me: (*laughing*) do you really expect me to remember the name of the eyedrops that I filled two months ago, when I don't even remember peeing in a cup before today. (*smile*) Sorry!

Tidbits from the meeting with the (VERY skinny) Dietician

Her: So, who are you donating to?

Me: my daughter, Shalyse (and I point to her sitting next to me)

Her: Oh, I was just a donor myself, for a friend.

Me: oh good, then maybe you can tell me....I was hoping to lose 10 lbs from this surgery. How much weight did you lose being a donor?

Her: (*pause pause pause*)

Me: (*laughing*) JUUUUUUST KIDDIN'!

Me thinking: (but my kidney better weigh at least 3 lbs, GDI (that stands for God Damn It!))

Tidbits with the Surgeon

Him: So do you have any other questions for me?

Me: No, not really. The only reason I'm doing this surgery is because it's the only way that my employer would give me any time off. So...

Him (*pause*)

Me: (look up at him)

Him (bright red in the face, as he's looking at Shalyse)

Me:  (laughing out loud)

Him thinking: (....oh that was a joke!) (*laughing*)

Tidbits with the Kidney Advocate:

Him: So, you know that you'll have to take it easy after the surgery? Do you have a good support system?

Me: oh, yeah. My Mom's moving in for a while.

Him: Well, good because it's going to be painful and you're going to need someone to take care of you, afterwards.

Me: yea, I just wished now that I'd gone on a strict diet after all the candy i ate for Halloween.

Him: (*pause*) why?

Me: 'Cause I can just imagine how many extra layers of fat they're going to have to cut through. ...PAINFUL!

Him: Well, that's not exactly what I was talking about. (*smile*)

Me: oh, are you talking about the muscle they plan to cut through?

Him: well, yea, that's probably more painful.

Me: well, we don't have to worry about that...I don't have much of that.

Him:(* laughing!*)

Me thinking: (GDI! finally someone gets my jokes!)

Him:  the Director will contact you next week and you'll probably be scheduled for surgery a few weeks after that.

Me: Oh, no, no, no. The Director is going to schedule our surgery for the first week of December. That's only 2 weeks away. That's not much time to do Xmas shopping. So I'll have a good excuse not to.

Him: Oh that's good! I'm going to use that on all our patients scheduled for surgery in December. (*smile*).

Tidbits during the EKG with the Cutie Pie

Him (cutie pie): can I just untie your gown in the back so I can place these electrodes just right?

Me: (*smiling*) SURE! (*smiling*)

(he's placing the electrodes very close to the breastesis and I can't help it but my nips are budding.....)

Me: (*smiling smiling smiling*)

Him: (Cutie pie walks back to the EKG machine) you can just relax now while I take the readings.

Me thinking: (thank God, because I was sure I was going to get a charlie horse if I didn't uncurl my toes soon.)

Shalyse: now, this is the part where he massages you and feeds you grapes. Just relax, Mom.

Me thinking: (oh, God, this is why I ALWAYS request women masseusses.  I wonder if anyone's ever had a happy ending during a EKG? JUUUUUST KIDDIN'!  But.....things that make you say....hmmmmm)

So "they say" I am a perfect speciman....to give up my (3 lbs of) kidney.  Life expectancy....TO BE CONTINUED.

Live, love, laugh....and all the other junk people say on their FB statuses.

And they lived happily ever after.  THE END.

The Day I asked my Husband (ex) to Shoot Me.

On each of my daughters' birthdays I usually shout out a happy bday & reminsce about when they were babies...you know, one of the best days ever, etc etc blah blah. But this year, I'm going to reminisce about the worst day of my life ...cause it isn't Shalyse Lopez's birthday til next month but this LONG story is fresh on my mind cause I was watching video tapes of my little girls this evening.

So anyways...there I was this silly girl, wearing a large sundress and thongs (before they became underwear) on my swollen feet, sweating to death on a humid February Sunday morning in Florida. I was tossing clothes in a dryer at the laundromat when suddenly I began to feel trickling feeling running down my legs. So since I was doing laundry right beside our immigrant workers folding their clothes, I smacked my thighs together and scooched to the bathroom, inconspicuously. While in there, I couldn't bend far enough down to look between my legs to see if I was crowning cause at the time, I was 38 weeks preggo. So I poked my head out the bathroom to let my husband (ex) know he needed to load our workers back into the work van so we could get home quickly so he could check the crowning status. 

On the drive home, I prayed my water wouldn't break in front of these 8 men because I was convinced that the minute it did, I would immediately deliver this baby. Afterall my 4' 9", 98 lb mom barely made it thru the hospital doors before delivering me....and isn't that kind of thing hereditary or something (remember I'm 17). As the van constantly jostled, I just squeezed my legs tightly together.  None of these men were going to deliver my baby. I'd seen how they handled their machetes while bbqing roadkill... they weren't touching me!!! 

Anyways we got home and I was really stressing. Labor had begun and I hadn't even packed a suitcase and my mom was still in SLC! What to do? What to do? Well like I said I really didn't want to deliver in an elevator or on the way to the hospital so we left. When I got there (5 minutes later), I explained to the nurse my hereditary early delivery symptoms my mom passed down to me while the nurse checked my cervix. And then she announced, "Mrs Lopez, you're definitely dilated 1 cm so you can go home or we can admit you." Well of course i should be admitted because of my hereditary condition. 

Twelve hours & millions of he-hes and who-whos later & still no baby boy!!! I won't lie. I'm crying by this time & so was my husband (ex). I hadn't taken anything but demerol which is basically tylenol because I remembered that story my mom told me once about some woman being paralyzed after receiving a block. Maybe an epidural would incapacitate me too. It seemed to block alot if it was capable of blocking this kinda pain. So what were my choices??? No walking or death? "Tom, go home now. Yes now! Go get your gun. No I don't give a shit which gun!!! I can't do this anymore!!!! Shoot me!!" In those days, my husband would have done anything for me but, this time, I wasn't asking for a Mello Yello at midnight. I was asking to be murdered. I'm thinking he must have foreseen our divorce and really wanted to stay out of prison so he excused himself to the restroom. What the Fu#k!! OK I never said the F word back in the day so I must of thought something differently. That's me thinking what I would have thought today. Sorry.... 

Anyways it was now one hour passed Valentine's Day & the only positive thing I had been able to think, about this situation, was that I was going to have my baby boy on Valentine's Day. Where's that gun? 

A little later, someone, maybe a nurse, maybe a doctor, could have been a janitor, was in between my legs yet again and finally asking me if I had the urge to push. What the Hellll! I've had the urge for hours now!!! What the hell is this...a nightmare or a joke!? 

So I'm finally pushing while they wheel me from the labor room to the sterile delivery room. Yes that's how they used to do...anyways in Okeechobee Florida in 1982. And four or five pushes later, there HE was. What??? A girl? Can I just go to sleep now, Pleazzz! Sorry Shalyse. I patted your pretty little head and looked at you...this little foreign creature there laying on my ruined & mushy belly. 

And then i was wheeled to my room to sleep for three hours before seeing you again. There you were this pretty little baby looking for my Dolly Parton's, demanding even more from me than i was prepared. But that's another chapter...Sleepless in Seaaa, I Mean, Okeechobee...with my Newborn.

The Moral of the story...Never have natural childbirth unless you have a gun handy.

And in conclusion, we lived happily ever after. The End. Oh yea! Shalyse ....you're one of the best things to ever happen to me. I can say that now.