On each of my daughters' birthdays I usually shout out a happy bday & reminsce about when they were babies...you know, one of the best days ever, etc etc blah blah. But this year, I'm going to reminisce about the worst day of my life ...cause it isn't Shalyse Lopez's birthday til next month but this LONG story is fresh on my mind cause I was watching video tapes of my little girls this evening.
So anyways...there I was this silly girl, wearing a large sundress and thongs (before they became underwear) on my swollen feet, sweating to death on a humid February Sunday morning in Florida. I was tossing clothes in a dryer at the laundromat when suddenly I began to feel trickling feeling running down my legs. So since I was doing laundry right beside our immigrant workers folding their clothes, I smacked my thighs together and scooched to the bathroom, inconspicuously. While in there, I couldn't bend far enough down to look between my legs to see if I was crowning cause at the time, I was 38 weeks preggo. So I poked my head out the bathroom to let my husband (ex) know he needed to load our workers back into the work van so we could get home quickly so he could check the crowning status.
So anyways...there I was this silly girl, wearing a large sundress and thongs (before they became underwear) on my swollen feet, sweating to death on a humid February Sunday morning in Florida. I was tossing clothes in a dryer at the laundromat when suddenly I began to feel trickling feeling running down my legs. So since I was doing laundry right beside our immigrant workers folding their clothes, I smacked my thighs together and scooched to the bathroom, inconspicuously. While in there, I couldn't bend far enough down to look between my legs to see if I was crowning cause at the time, I was 38 weeks preggo. So I poked my head out the bathroom to let my husband (ex) know he needed to load our workers back into the work van so we could get home quickly so he could check the crowning status.
On the drive home, I prayed my water wouldn't break in front of these 8 men because I was convinced that the minute it did, I would immediately deliver this baby. Afterall my 4' 9", 98 lb mom barely made it thru the hospital doors before delivering me....and isn't that kind of thing hereditary or something (remember I'm 17). As the van constantly jostled, I just squeezed my legs tightly together. None of these men were going to deliver my baby. I'd seen how they handled their machetes while bbqing roadkill... they weren't touching me!!!
Anyways we got home and I was really stressing. Labor had begun and I hadn't even packed a suitcase and my mom was still in SLC! What to do? What to do? Well like I said I really didn't want to deliver in an elevator or on the way to the hospital so we left. When I got there (5 minutes later), I explained to the nurse my hereditary early delivery symptoms my mom passed down to me while the nurse checked my cervix. And then she announced, "Mrs Lopez, you're definitely dilated 1 cm so you can go home or we can admit you." Well of course i should be admitted because of my hereditary condition.
Twelve hours & millions of he-hes and who-whos later & still no baby boy!!! I won't lie. I'm crying by this time & so was my husband (ex). I hadn't taken anything but demerol which is basically tylenol because I remembered that story my mom told me once about some woman being paralyzed after receiving a block. Maybe an epidural would incapacitate me too. It seemed to block alot if it was capable of blocking this kinda pain. So what were my choices??? No walking or death? "Tom, go home now. Yes now! Go get your gun. No I don't give a shit which gun!!! I can't do this anymore!!!! Shoot me!!" In those days, my husband would have done anything for me but, this time, I wasn't asking for a Mello Yello at midnight. I was asking to be murdered. I'm thinking he must have foreseen our divorce and really wanted to stay out of prison so he excused himself to the restroom. What the Fu#k!! OK I never said the F word back in the day so I must of thought something differently. That's me thinking what I would have thought today. Sorry....
Anyways it was now one hour passed Valentine's Day & the only positive thing I had been able to think, about this situation, was that I was going to have my baby boy on Valentine's Day. Where's that gun?
A little later, someone, maybe a nurse, maybe a doctor, could have been a janitor, was in between my legs yet again and finally asking me if I had the urge to push. What the Hellll! I've had the urge for hours now!!! What the hell is this...a nightmare or a joke!?
So I'm finally pushing while they wheel me from the labor room to the sterile delivery room. Yes that's how they used to do...anyways in Okeechobee Florida in 1982. And four or five pushes later, there HE was. What??? A girl? Can I just go to sleep now, Pleazzz! Sorry Shalyse. I patted your pretty little head and looked at you...this little foreign creature there laying on my ruined & mushy belly.
And then i was wheeled to my room to sleep for three hours before seeing you again. There you were this pretty little baby looking for my Dolly Parton's, demanding even more from me than i was prepared. But that's another chapter...Sleepless in Seaaa, I Mean, Okeechobee...with my Newborn.
The Moral of the story...Never have natural childbirth unless you have a gun handy.
And in conclusion, we lived happily ever after. The End. Oh yea! Shalyse ....you're one of the best things to ever happen to me. I can say that now.
The Moral of the story...Never have natural childbirth unless you have a gun handy.
And in conclusion, we lived happily ever after. The End. Oh yea! Shalyse ....you're one of the best things to ever happen to me. I can say that now.
